Celebrating people you don't know!

Ah...the sweet sweet smell of office birthday cake.

NOT.

Why does it seem that every office birthday party has the same funky cake? Really stale super-sweet white cake with pudding between the layers, or, on a good day…mildly almost chocolate mousse. And it’s always topped with GIGANTIC purple flowers that not only stain your teeth, but taste like waxed paper. And it’s not like they come from the same store – I’ve seen the boxes. I’ve even been a member of the ‘let’s go somewhere new for cake’ committee, and gotten something that LOOKS way better. Something with berries on the top, say…but deep down, all cakes are the same.

The one exception cake was a wonderful tiny marzipan fondant almond cake from Sweet Lady Jane’s that I got from my ex-boss. And I didn’t like her. And she got me the best cake ever.

I’m sure there’s some MORAL there. I’m just too sugar-high to figure it out.

You know you're spending too much time on ebay when...

...you seriously consider buying a Hippo Planter.

I'm back!

So, I haven’t blogged in a while. Yes, I know what you’re thinking.

You: “I have been on the verge of slitting my wrists and you just keep mocking me with blank pages!”
Me: Wow, I didn’t know it affected you that…
You: “Yeah, well it does! And you keep on doing it! That’s it, we’re breaking up!”
Me: I don’t think we were dat…
You: “Don’t try to talk me out of it – we’re through! I SAID THROUGH!”
Me: um…ok.

You: "...and I want my Joni Mitchell records back."
Me: I don’t have any…
You: "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!"


Ok, not that you’d say 'shut your pie hole'. Only bad villains in bad 80’s movies say that. And you do sometimes. Admit it.

That being said, I thought I’d jot some thoughts down today on life, the universe and things. Just to keep you from your suicidal thoughts.

1. Thongs are stupid. Just like any other item designed to LOOK good, but not be useful, they really miss the point of underwear. Which I think is to guard your sensitive privates from scratchy jeans and sand and crap. Yes, I said sand.

2. When did we become so fearful of what people think? In times where jobs are tough, why can you just walk up to a person who you want to work with and say ‘hey- I’m a hard worker, and I like your style and I’d like you to pay me a small salary to assist you in any way I can.” Regardless if this is say… Steven Spielberg…we should be able to say that and not feel moronic. I guess it’s like the high school nerd who asks out the prom queen. There’s that latent fear of complete cafeteria ridicule and food throwing the next day if you get turned down. It’s not like Steven is going to throw his mystery meat at you. We should be able to just ask!

3. I love email. Love it. I prefer it above all other modes of communication. I can be on the webcam and the phone with my boyfriend at the same time, and then send him an email as well. I love it that much.

4. I hate texts. Hate them. I hate people who send me texts. They need to die.

5. I’m still confused about Facebook. Admit it – you are too. We’re on there, just milling around like some big sausage fest, and we don’t get it. Oh, we SAY we do…but we don’t.

6. I miss old school communication with perfume. Like poems, and letters, and calling cards. I wish I could pick up a calling card that smells like roses and know my secret lover was here to see me.

7. Sylvia Plath’s son committed suicide and there’s a ton of news about it. I want to feel sympathetic, but really, I feel like digging up his grave and shouting at his corpse. “You should have known better! – you knew first hand all about it and how it can affect people and you still did it!” Then maybe I’d stab him – to teach him a lesson.

8. I don’t understand the pirate pants look. You know, the knee high boots, and the high-water short gaucho pants. It’s a trend at my work – I just think of them as the ‘pirate wenches’ but really, the bottom line is it’s SUPER UNFLATTERING. It makes you look SUPER FAT girls. Stop it.

9. After years of drinking Arnold Palmers, I have decided that I actually do not like them. I just thought they were a cool idea. Good on paper, bad in the mouth.

10. Lastly, I am wondering how I can become a florist. Can I intern? Can I just create an album and send it around to places and see if they’ll hire me? I’m serious people. Help me out.

SO, there you have it…a list of fun things to ponder and pontificate on. Much like wondering if Bert and Ernie are gay…my thoughts are simultaneously useless and non-consequential.

And I want to reiterate that I do not have any Joni Mitchell records…

“SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!”

this is BLASPHEMY!!!!

I love French fries. And I love bacon. But I don’t know if I love this.

Have I mentioned that I love this? Because I do.

And this.

And this.

An Ode to IKEA Meatballs

Your meaty goodness abounds

Lumps of flavor and nutrition

Shall I 6, 8 or 12…or shall I bag downstairs later?

All is desired, and wanted

Balls of lovelyness

Gravy covered o’er your mounds of greatness

Ikea meatballs how I love you so.

This amuses me immensely.

Update

Hmmm. I realize I haven't been around in a while, and I don't really have a firm reason why. I think I've just become obsessed with a variety of things, and then they end up sucking in all my time. There was a 4 week period where I was thinking about Paninis every spare second, and yes, there was an amazing proscuitto and brie panini that resulted in that focus, but I probably could have unraveled the space-time continuum if I was broadening my focus in other ways.

So here is a list of some of the things that are circulating in my brain as my next potential obsession.

1. Wrapping paper. It's so much more than a present covering. It's an actual present itself. I am obsessed as to why amazon.com does not have a large selection. And I am loving the container store selection. Also, Ribbon should be in it's own category, but I'm putting it here due to this corollary to the wrapping obsession... RIBBON is not plastic bows that you stick on a present with adhesive tabbies. It's long thin pretty ribbon you tie in a shoestring bow yourself. THAT is what makes a present.

2. Chinese Democracy. Not the album itself, but these fans who insist on proving they own something. Like that makes them a part of something bigger than just listening to music. It makes them cool...or does it? And since my boyfriend is on there as one of those GNR lovers, the answer is yes, baby...you are cool.

3. Pumpkin cheesecake ice cream. It just seems wrong. And yet, oh so right.

4. Dry skin. Which moisturizer is the best, and why? Is there a way to drink some cocktail of vitamins that will go straight to your skin and make it smooth? Why do I care? Why is my forearm totally moisturized, and my upper arm totally dry? Isnt all the skin connected? Or is there some rhyme and reason to my patchiness?

5. Obama's fireside chats. No, I haven't seen it, but it seems like a topic I COULD obsess on, that's why I seem to be avoiding watching it.

6. Facebook. It's just so....useless. And yet, there I am on it all the time.

7. These Burlesque costumes on ebay. They are awesome. I mean...awesome.

8. Ugg boots. I am getting to this concept about 4 years too late, but I LOVE my stupid little Target Ugg ripoffs.

9. Cheesecake Factory Louisiana Chicken Pasta.

10. Paninis. I don't think I'm done with this yet. I bought a panini maker, and now my obsession is expanding into crudites, and miniature sandwiches. This is a problem. Help me! At least help me eat what I make...

I predict...