Thursday, August 10, 2006

Read this or I will eat this baby!

Sad to say, I decided to check out the Yahoo personals online. Men in my life (friends or otherwise) are in short supply recently, and it doesn't hurt to see who is out there, right?

Yes, it does.

People, the following are ACTUAL headlines from local men in my age range from Yahoo personals. I did not typo correct, or change them in any way. And it only took me about 10 minutes to compile all these winners.

Santana Fan Seeks Same
- Ok, it's good to be specific, but is this your deal-breaker?

Brad I'm not, Angelina you don't have 2B - Somehow that's already a backhanded compliment.

Riverboater seeks first mate
- In LA? The LA river? Seriously?

I'm funny, just ask anyone
- No, I'd rather you just be funny.

Let me paint your toes. - I think I'll marry you.

- Why is the L optional?

Must love Trains - Oddly, no trains mentioned in the rest of the profile.

I just want a girl who knows how to kiss - I'd like to be belligerent and say 'is that all women are good for?' but even I can is.

Ah, who needs you anyway. - Exactly.

I might cut my hair for you???
- Ladies and gentlemen...Mr. Crystal Gayle.

Nice Guy with Qualitys.
- Spelling is not one.

Moms perfer Tyler - Are you attempting to appeal to my MOTHER? Fundamentally, no woman wants a man her mother would choose. Bad option. Regardless, my mother knows better than to pick men who can't spell.

Admit what you want.
- I'm already feeling pressured to NOT like you.

magical, love to cock and entertain. - SERIOUSLY BAD TYPO...or is it?

Music Man seeks inspiration - He's a what? He's a what? He's a music man and he sells clarinets to the kids in the town with the big trombones and the rat-a-tat drums, big brass bass, big brass bass, and the piccolo, the piccolo with uniforms too, with a shiny gold braid on the coat and a big red stripe...

Raconteur ruminating for Dialectician
- I had to look up 3 of these words. I won't tell you which three.

Be hotter than me but less smart. - Strangely, I don't think that will be hard.

I just don't get it! - I don't get why you'd choose that either.

I get it! - Really? Because I still don't.

First Personal ad - Ironically this is someone I saw years ago on! Your nose is growing.

You may already have won 1,000,000.
- Can I buy someone better?

Head - Honestly, I was too scared to investigate further.

Almost too busy - Almost too busy to finish reading your...ok, time's up.

Use me for my pool! - Does he get many e-mails in winter?

Yes, it was I who let the dogs out. - Was it Benji? Because Benji was cute, and I miss him!

My mouth is numb right now. - If this is a quote from a movie, will someone please let me know?

I'm sorry what? I didn't hear you.
- Good sign for a budding quality relationship.

Nice guy...sometimes.
- Pretty girl... sometimes.

Write me, or I will eat this baby.
- Yes, there was a baby in the photo. No, that doesn't make it a better line.

HEY! - guys? I'll take Electric Company for 500 Alex.

Training to be a cage fighter, ha ha - Too bad the ha ha ruined it.

Elvis and Lucifer - Together at last!
- I had to include this one from my friend Bill. It's very accurate. That should make you more scared of all the rest above.

So get out there, girls!! You guys have fun...I changed my mind - it's GOOD to be single.


Jason said...

I kind of want to look at these people's profiles. I get the feeling the hilarity goes well beyond just their headlines with some of these. Amusing piece. I enjoyed it.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Go to yahoo personals, search Los Angeles, and men aged 30-50 and let the hilarity ensue.

Thanks Jason!

Dragon said...

[shakes her head sadly]

Cheryl said...

Just remember, you can't always judge a book by its cover, or a personal ad by its headline, or a cook by its cock.

Tracy Lynn said...

I kinda want him to eat the baby. EAT IT!

Egan said...

That's golden stuff. There were whispers about your sense of humor. I knew you were always funny and this solidifies my belief. The ma(l)es love you!

Neil said...

Must love trains = no car.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...


Wordnerd said...

This is absolutely brillianthysterical. Still laughing!!!

la diabla said...

freaking hilarious!