Thursday, November 30, 2006


A funny thing happens when you spend 73 minutes in very very slow parking-style traffic in the morning. In general, it seems the world is hurrying by so fast; we’re all in a time crunch to get somewhere…that the simple still scenery you pass is enthralling. With almost no movement, looking at something out a car window takes on a whole new dimension.

There is always the car in front of you, of course…but there are only so many minutes you can stare straight ahead, and ponder the meaning behind the Porsche license plate frame that says ‘I’d rather be at sea on Crystal Harmony’. 47 minutes, exactly. By then, all versions of visualizing ‘Crystal Harmony’ have been exhausted.

From work, I take the surface streets in Beverly Hills. So there’s always the odd Bentley or Rolls Royce. I keep thinking they’re only in the movies, but there they are…toodling up the palm-tree lined street.

Trader Vic’s leers at the Hilton. The super-cool 60’s tiki restaurant beckons and I still refuse to dash the imagined moments of yesteryear with a visit to what is, most likely…just a dumb bar.

Traffic is always stuck at Rodeo. Always. There’s no reason to be going to Tiffany’s at 6 pm, and yet, people are.

The surface streets of the hills pass the time playing ‘would you rather’ between 2 houses on opposite sides of the street. A 3 story columned white mansion reminiscent of Will Smith’s younger days…or a blue Ranch style with a 20-foot marble Lady Liberty smack in the middle of the front yard. Clearly the choice is obvious. Give me Liberty or give me death.

And there’s always the few nagging realty ‘For Sale’ signs on those behemoth mansions. They leer ‘If you lived here you’d be home by now.’ But I also hear them whisper ‘If you lived here you’d be so rich you probably wouldn’t work at all.’

Coldwater Canyon Road snakes over the no-cold-water canyon. White guard rails jump out, reminding me of movie style car-crashes, where the blonde girl in the convertible swerves off the edge of the road, and her car bursts into flames. I picture my car at the base of the canyon. But not in flames. That only happens in movies, not in reality.

As the road winds over Mulholland, the glittery grid that is ‘the valley’ appears in the not-so far away.

The houses get crappier. No Lady Liberty. No white ionic columns. No tiki bars, only Toni’s Pizza. But the same old ‘For Sale’ signs. But now I’m glad I don’t live there. After all, the Valley is the porn capital of the world.

The driving gets faster, the people get angrier…the Bentleys and Porsches have all parked away in the canyon, and just us lonely Hondas and Toyotas battle the white fences out of the canyon into the valley…and disappear.

But not without thinking one last thing…

…Crystal Harmony is a stupid name for a boat.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Gleaming the Cube

My day was really exciting today. Mainly because on my lunch hour (on my own time), I went to staples and bought those clippy cube pins so that I could hang up papers. And I hung them up. They look good. Yeah clippys.

Friday, November 24, 2006

'Bucks stops here

I’m already a slave to the bean. 8am, 3pm, like clockwork, I must purchase a bean-y caffeinated drink to sustain me. I used to have friends that understood this need – then some switched to tea…some gave it up…some just stopped needing it twice a day. But I never wavered in my addiction. Coffee, strong, black, simple.

I sort of liked waiting in line at Starbucks. Looking at posters with coffee names that sound like foreign diseases…like Simtrachina, or Kenyan Rivan. Always perusing mugs and travel thermoses that I’d never buy. I mean…they require washing. That’s a deal breaker. I liked the banter of the barista. I liked them knowing me. Even if they didn’t know my name, they’ve give me that fake look that says “I think I know your name, but I’ll wait for you to tell me, and then nod knowingly.”

The familiar aproned starbucks people, like subversive racism, they all look the same. Green with a forced smile. The drinks are always too strong, too sweet, but I’m too lazy to order them correctly adjusted to my palate. I can’t stand those half-caf soy 3 pump no foam latte people. Just get a latte and deal. Suck it up. And really, who doesn’t like foam? If you have an aversion to foam, I just lost all respect for you.

However, despite my Starbucks tirade…this morning…I went to Peet’s.

Peet’s is an old lover, left behind from younger, prettier San Francisco days, when a Peets was on every corner, and Starbucks was on of those ‘new fangled Seattle’ places. But in getting the gingerbread latte, I realized that it not only was a rip off of Starbucks (they also had pumpkin spice) but it wasn’t as good. Or maybe it wasn’t the SAME. Conformity, consistency, normalcy…things I normally don’t consider in my coffee buying decisions, but apparently are important subliminally. There was a nice Peets man supplying my foam, and he even made a big flirty deal about how most men can’t do that AND sprinkle cinnamon on top…sort of a innuendo as well...and however much that might normally make me laugh, he wasn’t in a green apron and yelling my name knowingly while throwing a cardboard cup holder at me from afar…and that made all the difference.

I’m a slave to the ‘bucks. Slave to the 5 dollar coffee. Slave to conformity.

At least nobody gets a regular plain latte anymore – so I guess that makes me an original.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


I know you've all been waking in the middle of the night crying out sobbing... 'Why, oh why God, is Schrodinger's Kitten not blogging as much as she used to?' or 'Please save me from the horrible emptiness of wit!' or 'Excuse me Christian Slater, Could I get a bologna on rye, please?' or some combination of the above. Personally, I prefer my dream sandwiches to come from Christian Slater.

Drumroll please....

I got a J.O.B.! It comes complete with the nifty periods. Word to you slackers!

Less of this:

More of this:

Gimme a week or so to know everyone's name, and learn to take a lunch instead of working through it, and I assume something funny will have happened by then to blog about. Because you know what happens when you assume....

Monday, November 20, 2006

Bond Review

Daniel Craig is so hot, I burned the roof of my mouth.

Really...need I say more?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Bond 6.0

"Shaken or stirred?" inquires a barman.

"Do I look like I give a damn?" Bond shoots back.

Thank god Daniel Craig has already signed on for two more films. Casino Royale, opening today, looks to be a huge hit. This is back-to-basics Bond, a "blunt instrument," as M and Ian himself have put it. This is Bond stripped of the knowing wink. Although, he does have his wit intact. Thank god.

I predict The Man With The Golden Hair will blast open the box office this weekend...
Sadly, I won’t be seeing it until Sunday – WOE IS ME! It’s driving me nuts, but I promised a pal I’d wait 2 whole days. 12:00 on Sunday I’m at the theater with or without him.

Until then, how can you placate me? Buy me this.

As a screenwriter, I have to comment on the writers - Veterans of the last two Bonds are complimented with the addition of seemingly odd man out Paul Haggis ("Crash," "Million Dollar Baby"). I hear the old-school romantic sparring between Vesper and Bond has the double Oscar winner's fingerprints all over it. He earnestly attempts to invest these fantasy figures with psychological depth. I hope he succeeds. Regardless, I love me that killer boy.

But despite the real moments, there is some sappy bond in Casino Royale the novel, so I hope it stays out of the film - Bond falls in *GASP*... Love. I can’t even tell you how many manly men I know that turn into lumpy mush at their sudden realization that they can FEEL something with their hearts in addition to their pants.

I hope it's pure recklessness and lovin'. Because really, only Bond gets away with that. And only Moneypenny tolerates it.


...Excited, Very Excited.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Maybe Baby

I found myself looking at online baby bedding today. Why? I don't know. I just WAS.

And in those moments, those brief moments where I selected a really nice mod pattern for my crib hit me.

A. I don't have a child.
B. I don't want a child.
C. I don't like other people's children.

So why was I picking out baby bedding? The novelty? The really neat fabric? My inner seamstress?

No...I think it was this mental thought:

"Everyone should have a baby."

GASP...GAG! What happened to my inner Feminist? It appears she was hog-tied S&M style by my inner Soccer Mom. Despite the fact that I myself don't want a child, why on earth would I ever think that everyone else should? Eggads, people - we're so overcrowded that my inner Socialist tells me we should be rationing babies like the Chinese. 2 per couple, for a lifetime. If you re-marry - too bad. If you screw up and have a baby with some guy you met on prom night, too bad. You lost your option.

But my bigger concern is that I was drawn to this baby site. I actually moved my mouse and clicked on the link, and perused the crib options. It's bizarro world. It's superman stabbing himself with kryptonite. It's serious Jerry Seinfeld. It's someone not 'getting' The Office because there's no laugh track.

You get my point - it's something that should not happen! Me, baby. Not happening.

So I freaked out.

Is it something to do with being in my 30s? Is this that cliche baby moment that all women have? Plaster a ticking clock on my forehead - it's here! Or is it more that I feel I should be married now...that I should be considering this option with a nice middle-aged, boring, pedantic man? Or an abusive adulterous man-whore. I should be having a vasectomy conversation with one of these men? Or I should be hearing that 'when are you going to have a baby' question from mothers, only to reply 'Mr. Pedantic and I have decided to not have children.' Is it the need for a backup? That I need said significant other to pat me on the back and say 'yep, no kids - good decision honey' to validate? Then why the perusal of baby stuff? Just to consider the options?

And then it hit me. I knew what it was.

It was preparation.

It was the inner real me saying to myself...'well, if you end up changing your mind, or get knocked up, then you need options for your baby bedding'.

And the inner me is right. I should be prepared for life to change. It's the reason I think about where I might want to move when I'm 40. It's the reason I remember where the good senior discounts are. It's the reason I save architectural designs for homes I'd like to build for myself. It's the reason I have a file on a wedding to someone I haven't met yet. And it's the reason I have clippings from hotels in Sri Lanka should I ever need to hide from the CIA.

I do feel a tad better knowing that should I ever need it, I've already picked out a nice 1950's modern pattern crib set.

Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Fry's Trek

Fry's Electronics in Burbank is a Sci-fi themed geeky warehouse store...or so we thought.

What happens when you shoot a Star Trek episode in a superstore? You get thrown out! (Also, check out their short 'The Jogger' - a whole movie 'on the run.')

...and oddly, I got this from Wil Wheaton.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Cat the vote!

I'm forwarding on this story because it amuses me, there's a cat in it, and it tends to reflect my current idea of the voting process:

A man who reportedly believed Republicans were conspiring to steal today's election entered an Allentown polling site, signed in and proceeded to smash the screen of one of the electronic voting machines with a metal cat paperweight, poll volunteers said. (Broken machine pictured above) Police gave no motive, but a source said Young, a registered Independent, believed Republicans had conspired to win the election by using electronic ballots. Young, who brought the paperweight with him, then sat down, hung his head and waited for police, who arrested him without incident. "He came in here very peaceably and showed his ID," said volunteer Gladys Pezoldt, "then he got on the machine and just snapped…He was immediately remorseful. When the police came, he got up, turned around and put his hands behind his back."

Really...the part I love best is that he signed in, started to vote, and then lost it. And with a premeditated metal cat. You can't beat that story with a paperweight, kids.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Your vs You''s not that hard.

Here we are again with the second incarnation of "Men: Are They Really Worth it?"

In this segment, I again went to yahoo personals and within 5 short minutes, I compiled this nifty list of the best (worst) headers for online dating. These are all real headlines of men my age in the L.A. area.

I thank God every day that I'm single.

I'm worth a million in prizes... - I'll take cash value, thanks.

Comedian - Needs Motorcycle companion - Dammit Jay Leno, get off the internet!

Are you really ready???????
- I'm going to have to go with...No.

Ok, Now What? - Now, I'm walking away.

Together We Can Make A Difference!
- scream it with me - "G.I. Joe!!!"

My Basset Hound loves me
- She's your type.

Are your no-wax floors REALLY clean? - If you're suggesting we 'wax them'...then, yes.

Oooh! Pick me! Pick Meeee!!
- Last in dodgeball, last in life.

leave the g__, take the c______ - why the blanks? Gun, cannoli, we all know this.

"I could drink a case of you" - I don't need a me-drunk, thanks.

dOWNTOWN mAN lOOKING 4 uPTOWN gIRL - Billy Joel is back on the market- yippee!

I know your out there!! - Yes, some girl who doesn't know grammar is out there.

Searching for the 3rd partner - Not sure what this means, but...Kinky.

Ugly but Interesting??? - After the third question mark, I'm going to say...not interesting.

-, Hi Borat.

One Day At A Time
- This is it. This is it. This is life, the one you get
So go and have a ball.

Few Good Man - You can't handle the truth!

travel gal needs a pal
- Gal? I think you're confused, sir...

dork of all dorks - This might be cute if he wasn't holding a lightsaber.

My Biological Clock is Ticking Loudly
- Clearly a real man's man.

I'm Jus D - Jus Go Away.

Play ball! - Let's save the sex specifics for after date 4.

Blink and you'll miss it...
- Once again...let's save the sex specifics...

Joe is looking for his 'shortie'
- Once again...

All Man with a Big Hart. - Yes, Robert Wagner is pretty hot.

Geez, I should put something witty here - Yes, you should have.

STOP THE CAR!I'VE GOT GREAT CURB APPEAL - But I hear there are termites.

Do nice guys really finish last? - If they want a happy girlfriend they do.

I know you are, but what am I? Infinity! - It's great to know there are mature men out there.

OOga Booga!!!!!
- I'm scared already.

Looking but not really looking..... - Emailing but not really emailing you.

"JESUS FREAK" - Are jesus freaks really that self-aware?

Try to set the night on Fiii-eeeer! - What's Fier?

what is your brand of vodka??? - Is this indicative of our type of evening?

goodlooking,fun,honest,actor,no games - actor + no games = oxymoron.

I could put strychnine in the guacamole.
- Is death a turn on for a lot of girls? Really...I'm asking.

- But not as far as correct spelling.

long hair, laid back, luv dogs, brain - I love my brain too, but I dont advertise it.

Allow me to introduct myself
- into?

You like Garry Cooper?
- No..but I love Gary Cooper. You?

Adventurous and ?
- Incontinent? Covered in Boils? Nasal?

Waiting for Godot
- Hate to ruin the ending for you..but he never shows.

Ow. It just makes my heart hurt.
Really. Thank God I'm single. Thank frickin' God.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Tag, I'm it.

Books books books...Tracy tagged me, and boy is she going to regret it. Books are my life, so every question has multiple answers. Much like life.

1) One book that changed your life.

There isn't only one, sister...

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein (Ideal Sci-fi)

Death of a Beekeeper,Lars Gustaffson (Ideal book structure)

Interview with a Vampire, Anne Rice (me, and gay men everywhere)

Sherlock Holmes series,Arthur Conan Doyle (finally, I had a hero)

Crime and Punishment, Dostoyevsky (just a brilliant damn book)

2) One book that you'd read more than once.

The James Bond series by Ian Fleming. I've read them each 3-4 times, and every time, they're new. I never see the sharks in the pool coming...but they do, and James always escapes. I dream of James and Moneypenny. Actually, I dream *I'm* Moneypenny.

Also the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. Brilliant.

3) One book you'd want on a deserted island.

Gorky Park by Martin Cruz Smith. Because there's lots of snow in it. Lots.

4) One book that made you laugh.

Every freaking book from the Spenser series by Robert B Parker has made me laugh. My biggest wish is that I could have the poetic wit he does, and the propensity to use it on really tough guys with guns aimed at my head. That, and I'd like a big black man named Hawk to follow me around and protect me. Sweet.

Anything by David Sedaris, Douglas Adams. Oscar Wilde makes me giddy - flippant SOB.

5) One book that made you cry.

The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion. It's all about the death of her husband, analyzed moment by moment, broken down like math. It's how I think, and how I live life...and it paralleled something I felt for someone that destroyed me.

In the Matter of J. Robert Oppenheimer' - A travesty of 'patriotism'.

6) One book you wish you'd written.

The commuters by Cheryl Klein. Because a real person I know wrote a whole book. And it's good. You have no idea how odd that is to know a real writer!

Really, I have to say I'm impressed with Austen's Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice. Also, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Anything by James Ellroy. Brilliant prose. I'm impressed with things that there's no possibility I could have ever written, or come close. Through no calculated structure of words or random monkey typing could I ever compare with those. Things like Waiting for Godot blow my mind, and it's something I could never write. I'm an optimist, so I would have changed the ending. Godot shows up. With candy.

7) One book you wish had never been written.

Any book written phonetically. Or in Medieval English. Or about God. I hate Boethius' the Consolation of Philosophy because it's all three of those. Stupid Middle english phonetic religious poets. Where's Chaucer when you need him?

Also I really cant stand Uta Hagen's 'Respect for Acting'. Sorry to all the actors out there, but I have no respect.

8) One book you're currently reading.

Just finished 'I feel bad about my Neck' By Nora Ephron

Just started the Sherlock Holmes series again with Study in Scarlet.

Have Hunt for Red October by Clancy on my nightstand to re-read.

9) One book you've been meaning to read.

I still haven't read Dumas, and I need to get off my butt and do it. Didn't finish L'Morte de Arthur by Sir Thomas Mallory...need to do that too. I also have some Basic Writings of Nietzsche, but it sits there staring at me...and I'm afraid.

So many books, so little time.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I Got Lazy

So, over the past month, I've massively slowed down on the blogging. It used to be daily, yes...and stopped! I entered a hitherto unknown portion of my life now known as 'nothing cool happened, and nobody said anything funny and I'm too lazy to make it all up'.

So...regarding said absence and lack of putting any effort into blogging, I have this to say: I'm not laughing at you, I'm just laughing and not typing it down.

Here are my top 15 excuses (pick which best suits your needs):

1. Stargate was canceled. I went into a deep depression. (Time for a MacGyver movie?)
2. I went to Disneyland every day for a week.
3. I was counseling the priest that molested Mark Foley.
4. Katrina
5. 9/11
6. Went on set to a Ciara video shoot for a 5 hour interview and didn't even get a job out of it. Got depressed.
7. Underwear gnomes stole my computer. Got depressed.
8. LOST jumped the shark, and again... got depressed.
9. Arson
10. Madonna adopted me.
11. I got overly concerned that I needed to 'save the cheerleader, save the world'.
12. Hot pocket burns
13. Found out Anderson Cooper is gay, committed hari kuri.
14. Found out all men I like are gay - just gave depressed.
15. Interviewing like nuts, not getting hired.

I posted lots of funny youtube videos for you to be entertained...sort of like an old school 'Take it...1,2,3' moment, and I figured that would make you all laugh, but no...I got harassed at my absence. I can't even take a week off? Jeez...I AM looking for a job here.

Seriously. I am looking. Stop laughing.