Friday, August 31, 2007

When Switches Attack!!

Holy Sweet Jesus, Ow.

All from a light switch.

Who would have thought that my light switch could do so much damage? I mean, short of opening it up and wiring my genitals to it, of course. (BTW, that's not good. Don't try it. Screw peer pressure. If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you? No wiring genitals.)

To clarify...I fell into my light switch yesterday.

It was a cat's fault. I stepped, cat was present underfoot, I tried to shift weight, and fell into the wall. BUT (here's the important part)...the part of the wall where the little flicker light switch was. A tiny 1/2 inch moveable piece of plastic.

And it ripped the crap out of my arm.

Literally, the skin just caught on the switch, and it was RIPPED off as I fell down.

And then the lights went out.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I am shoe, hear me step.

Stuck in a 3 hour useless endless meeting this morning, I began to study people's shoes.

My boss, the tiny pointed blonde, wore tiny pointed pumps.

My co-worker, the laid-back rough surfer, wore laid-back rough loafers.

Me...I wore grey suede 40's style pumps with bows. Analyzing this, I decided I am smooth & touchable, retro, middle-of-the-road, and girly.

Freud, eat your heart out.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

How I became the badass I am today.

In the summer of 1976, Mom and Pops were having a tough time. The entire valley had dried up. The crops were dying, and the bank was ready to forclose on the farm. Barely able to speak, I nonetheless muttered 'Oh Crap' when suddenly Dad got gout. With bankers looming, I had to do something. I had to bring in the crops. Mom cut down a pair of Dad's work overalls, and with my trusty Keds, I set out for 'Bertha' our main tractor to save the family. There was only one to reach the pedals?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

At least 4 year olds love me.

Leaving work last night, a father and his 4 year old son were sitting on a bench by the elevator. I smiled, passed, and while waiting for the elevator to come, the 4 year old kid says in his not-too-sotto voice...'She's hot'.

And the father nearly choked on his soda.

He looked to me, to make sure I was not offended by his little lethario. I smiled back, and said 'I heard that'...and winked at the kid.

My elevator came, I got inside. As the doors closed, the kid says to his Dad...

'She'll be back'.

In 14 years, he's all mine, ladies.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Gordon, Stewart & Andy

Oh yeah, in case I forgot to mention it... 56 year olds ROCK.
They have a certain...synchronicity.

Sephora is my stalker.

Sephora continues to creep me out.

I mean, yeah...they're awesome and all that. But...creepy.

I went into the store to get something, and while purchasing, the sales lady says 'Happy Birthday!' and hands me a free lotion with a bow on it. I stammered 'Thanks?' and got flustered. How did they know it was my birthday? And how did they just happen to have my gift pre-wrapped under the counter?

It's almost as if they KNEW I was coming in, and they KNEW all pertinent information about me. I wouldn't be surprised if they started stocking all the things I liked in a 'Sara' section and rang a bell and showered me with confetti when I came in the store. It feels like something out of 'Brazil'.

Disneyland does the same thing. When I enter the park at the main gate, the cast members always say 'Hi Sara! It's good to have you back - it's been months!'...and the people I'm with always go slack-jawed and stammer. They think I'm a disney freak, when in reality...yes, I'm a disney freak, but it also shows my name, and my last date of attendance on the computer screen when they scan my pass. It's Magic!

Sure, I know at some point I voluntarily provided my birthday to Sephora. And sure, they had to scan my card to know it was me...but it just seems more magical to think they KNOW me, and what I like.

Magical...and creepy.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Taco! Taco!

You know what surprises me? The fact that vegan tacos taste good.

I really have no idea what they're made of. Clearly not meat or dairy.

And yet, taking a bite, they tasted almost BETTER than the regular tacos I eat. Obviously more healthy.

But somehow they still do feel artificial - like there are things in there I wouldn't normally eat in lieu of the beef and cheese. Cashew cheddar? Sure...still sounds good. It's cashews. I like cashews. But spelt? Flax? I havent heard that since that old card trader game where I used to yell out 'FLAX, FLAX!' and I tried to pass off the 'WHEAT, WHEAT!' to my little brother. What the heck was that game called? And honestly, what crazy person thought trading in grains would make a great card game?

Yet, I gamely tried the tacos - to accept the vegan status of a new friend. I got them because he got them, and if he could eat them, then so could I.

I ate, I enjoyed and I resisted screaming out 'TACO, TACO!'. I muttered it under my breath, though.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Hardly Workin'

I dont get friends' e-mails at work. And I'm not too upset, as it's fair - they're not work-related.

Yes, (gasp) - sometimes I'm not really working at work. I'm e-mailing people videos of scubadiving cats. Sometimes I'm trying hard to figure out how to get my IM to work with addresses outside the company. I'm watching powerpoints of resorts in Bali, or sending on that classic 'crazy things to do at work'. I did page myself and didn't disguise my voice. Nobody got it.

But mostly it's the scubadiving cat thing that gets my panties in a bunch. Who DOESN'T want to see that video?

I do work at the US's 4th largest financial institution and they're pretty paranoid about stuff like that. Scubadiving cats may just bring them to their knees. In fact, I'm certain it would.

However, it ticks me off to get censored in any way - be it blog, email, art, tv, film etc....any sort of expression. so, here is a little presentation on some censorship in TV - my favorite medium. It's called that because it's neither rare, nor well done.

I crack myself up. Too bad I couldn't have emailed you that joke.

1942 -- Tweety Bird first appears in "A Tale of Two Kitties." Animator Bob Clampett originally draws him without feathers, but the Hays Office censorship bureau thinks the plucked bird is just a little too naked. So Clampett covers Tweety's titillating flesh with yellow plumage. Clampett doesn't let this pass quietly, though. In the episode, a cat yells to his partner, "Give me the bird!" To which the other cat responds, "If the Hays Office would only let me, I'd give him the bird, all right!"

1959 -- On the dramatic anthology series "Playhouse 90," an episode titled "Judgment at Nuremberg" has all references to gas chambers eliminated from its re-enactment of the Nazi trials. This is done at the behest of the show's slightly sensitive sponsor, the American Gas Association.

1964 -- Mary Ann from "Gilligan's Island," Jeannie from "I Dream of Jeannie," and "Gidget" are all barred from baring their navels. Actress Mariette Hartley receives the same treatment in a 1966 episode of "Star Trek," but the show's director, Gene Roddenberry, gets his revenge in 1973. He recasts Ms. Hartley in the pilot for his new show, "Genesis II," and gives her two belly buttons.

1979 -- "The Muppet Show" is banned from TV in Saudi Arabia, due to Miss Piggy's, well, pig-ness. (The Prophet Muhammad declared the flesh of swine "an abomination.") Merchandise bearing her likeness is confiscated from shops and destroyed.


Saturday, August 04, 2007

Mamma Mia that's a spicy Sara!

I heartily recommend this slogan generator.

It makes me feel a tad kinky. See which ones you recognize...

Hungry? Why wait? Grab a Sara..
Nothing comes between me and my Sara.
Good to the last Sara.
Whatever you're into...get into Sara.
Little. Yellow. Different. Sara.
Just for the taste of Sara.
I am stuck on Sara, cuz Sara's stuck on me.
Break me off a piece of that Sara.
Bet you can't eat Sara.
You deserve a Sara today.
Come see the softer side of Sara.
8 out of 10 owners who expressed a preference said their cats preferred Sara.
Wow! I coulda had a Sara!
How do you eat YOUR Sara?
It's DIFFERENT in a Sara.
Built Sara tough.
Nothing sucks like a Sara.
Sara keeps going and going...
You're in good hands with Sara.
I can't believe I ate the whole Sara.
When it absolutely positively has to be Sara overnight.
Because so much is riding on your Sara.

And my favorite...

We do Sara right.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Simple Truths

I got a fortune from 'Estrella' last night at the Santa Monica Pier- she said, amongst other things, that 'you are fond of gay music'.

Ok, I admit, I do like Disco. Jeez...