Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Water, water, everywhere...


Captain Hook rejected me.

At the Disneyland Electrical Parade on Monday, I waited for my favorite pirate to wave like a 4-year-old. He saw me, and shook his head. In that 'It's so sad that a 35-year-old woman is waving at me' kind of way. It could have been a 'Captain Hook doesn't DO waves' way, which is more likely and more kind to my ego. Plus, I think Captain Hook and Smee are a couple. That explains a lot. And Peter Pan is obviously gay, so I can steer clear of him. But I seem to be noticing recently that gay men are the unwitting objects of my affection. Ones that I don't see as 'obviously' gay, but everyone else seems to know about.

Like Anderson Cooper. Apparently gay. Not outed per se, but my friend told me she used to work with him, and that he always had boyfriends. I refuse to believe. She's lying. CNN anchors are exempt from 'gay hair' rules in predicting gayness.

So I turned to the source - Wikipedia. The web encyclopedia said that he's not said he's gay but it's suspected that he's closeted. The clouds broke, and the sun shone through! Hallelujah! He's NOT out! that means in my mind he can continue to sleep with women for as long at it takes to prove his masculinity. And trust me, in my mind, that happens a lot. And the woman is usually me.

If a man learned his favorite crush was a lesbian, it actually would enhance her allure, in that cliche 'all men love lesbians getting it on' way. If a man I like turns out to be gay, it's not the same. I try to imagine the boy on boy love...(gag, wince, turn away embarrassed)...and I just can't. Sometimes in my head Anderson Cooper sleeps with men in that 'let's wrestle' way, but not in a realistic way. In a 'just for me' kind of way. See the difference? Yes, it is different. Shut up.

Long ago I heard that Richard Dean Anderson was gay, due to my-friend's-gay-friend-knew-someone-who-slept-with-him-6-degrees-of-RDA-gayness connection. I refused to believe. Then someone else told me he had a friend who slept with him too. Whatever happened to the days when dalliances with celebs were kept in secret journals only to be outed post mortem? And really, how is it possible that MacGyver is gay? Wasn't he the most talked about man-whore in all of the 80's? Yes, he's not married, and 56, but with a child...I think that proves he slept with one woman at least once, right? Or is technology that advanced that he need not be present? If so, I'd like to have his baby too, but I'd prefer his involvement if at all possible.

And so, onto the last gay member of my older-man-gray-haired trifecta - Victor Garber - aka Sydney's Dad on ALIAS....he's outed, gay, and apparently takes his young hot boyfriend to French Market in West Hollywood. So he's gay and also has bad taste.

You may say I have bad gaydar, but I look at it like this - they have bad choices. I mean, a gay man over ME? How wrong. And it's not like EVERY man I like is gay. Look at Cary Grant and Rock Hudson.

So moving on from Captain Hook's parade rejection, I just assumed he was gay like all the others, and I proceeded to reserve my waves that evening for only the most deserving. Like Dumbo. He was so cute, and get this...

He waved back AND winked! I was so honored! Dumbo likes me!

Of course, Dumbo is most likely a 5 foot teenage girl.
Oy, the humanity.

13 comments:

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

PS - That's Cary Grant and Randolph Scott in the photo - 'roommates' was the term back then.

Hyperion said...

It seems that Grant was probably bisexual, whatever that means. Scott lived with Grant, and whenever a new woman moved into Grant's life Scott would move next door, and when the celebrity couple broke up Scott would move right back in.

In other news; this may be your best post of the year. Sometimes it's an honor to net-know you.

Back to the first subject: I'm so saddened by the Victor Garber thing (he belongs with Irina Derevko! Or at least one of her sisters), that I am going to stop speaking alltogether.

tiff said...

hyperion would like you to know that he suggested I read this post, and wants his reward miles for the referral. :>

Too bad about Captain Hook - I always thought those trousers were a little too tight for a straight guy....

Tracy Lynn said...

I'm devestated by the Cary Grant news. Partly because my gaydar is usually very good, and partly because I LOVED HIM!

Very good post, indeed.

Cheryl said...

You don't have bad gaydar; you have subconscious good gaydar that leads you to gay and gay-ish men because you are a gay-ish man trapped in a woman's body (I've been there, probably for different reasons than why you're there).

And still am to an extent: I would love to see some Robert Downey Jr./Johnny Depp boy-on-boy action.

Egan said...

Trust me, he's gay. I have my sources.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

H - I think you know too much about Grant and Scott. Hmm....

T - I should have known. The pants are always a tip-off.

TL - Me too! I prefer to stick to the roomate theory.

C - How much do you charge for therapy?

E - sources meaning ' you were drunk once and...'?

Egan said...

Exactly ... and my brother, who just happens to be gay and living in Atlanta, tells me things. So there you have it.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Riiiiiiiight.

Egan said...

Seriously, my brother is gay and does live in Atlanta. He works for Turner Networks, which happens to be the parent company of CNN. None of that is made up Schrodinger.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

I believe you about Anderson...I also have gay friends who tell me things about...someone else I know. Gegan. Yeah...that's it. Gegan.

Egan said...

Gegan? Gegan Khan? Are you talking about me? Shame on you, if you are.

Cheryl said...

$19.95 an hour. I'm cheap.