Monday, July 24, 2006

Pork Chops and Applesauce

It's a sad sad sad sad world. I have stooped to the lowest level.

Lower than Paris Hilton
Lower than Nicole Ritchie
lower than George Bush molesting the Chancellor of Germany

I have become - a reality TV watcher.

And not even good reality TV (if there is such a thing). I watch...

'My Fair Brady.'

I spent 3 hours watching them get married. 3 hours I will never get back.

Christopher Knight, Peter Brady of the 70s super show, 'The Brady Bunch', and Adrianne Curry, the first ever crowned, "America's Next Top Model," met during VH1's reality show Surreal Life 4. Now, almost 2 years later, they are getting married. Initially, Chris asked Adrianne to move to Los Angeles and live with him until she could get on her feet and get an apartment. After finally acknowledging they had a relationship, Adrianne threatens to move out unless they get married. So in true too-odd-to-be-not-prompted-by-a-producer format : He proposes.

He's 49. She's 24. He could be her father. And yet, the gap in ages sucks you in to the drama it creates. He's calm and mature, happy to have a trophy wife. She's a psycho bitch drama queen. Everything women hate in other women - it's all in Adrienne. She is so desperate to be married to him that she practically throws him over her shoulder and carts him off. He loves her, but isn't sure why - and honestly, neither are we. Even Florence Henderson tells Chris to 'run from her'. When Ma Brady tells you to run like the devil, best you listen, little Peter.

Christopher Knight says, "The title is My Fair Brady and there's a reason for that. My concept, going in, was (he laughs as he attempts to explain) I'm going get slapped… Adrianne needed to be polished up; that she needs a little bit of Professor Higgins (referencing the film My Fair Lady) …" and Adrianne butts in, "And my response was "fuck you."

Chris does have some moments of 'awww' insight. "I relented only because she was pursuing me so hard, and I kept thinking she was playing a game. At one point one of the producers said to me, "Well, perhaps she's not." I was absolutely certain that she was playing a game. And I just didn't know what the rules were and I didn't want to play. And then I thought, "Well if she's really [into me] then I'm looking like a jerk." (He laughs) I thought that, perhaps, I needed to take her at face value. This was a big stretch for me. She's wildly different then anybody that I've ever let myself get close to."

Chris is so endearing, and so built into the consciousness as Peter Brady, that we want him to be happy! We really do! We want him to eat pork chops and applesauce every day, and have that trophy wife, and new success. And yet...when Chris ceremonially asks his Dad for marriage advice on the eve of their wedding - Dad turns to Adrienne and says " Stop the bitching!" - amazing. Dysfunctionality at it's best.

Her final word? "Seriously, let me tell you something… there is nothing a 48 year old male child star can tell me that will have any significance or be compared to anything in a 23 year old female model's life. Thank you." True wisdom for the ages.

And THAT's the way they became the Brady Bunch.


jesshloly said...

Yeah, I watched way too much of that last night, but thankfully stopped short of the wedding episode itself. But I did catch the promos- they almost called it off? Really!? How unexpected.

Hyperion said...

[shakes his head sadly, and calls the good people at Bellview Hospital]

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Jesshloly- thank god someone other than me watched it. We can wallow in our sadness together.

Hyperion - We're already wallowing, lay off.

tiff said...

Bellevue, Hyperion.

Anyhow - Wow. I'm not sure what to say, except that HGTV sure has some good stuff on it these days. Maybe learning how to redecorate your living for ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY will help get y'all off this reality teevee kick....not that htere's anything wroign with that.

tiff said...

Not. That.There's.Anything.Wrong.With.That.


Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Tiff - trust me - I've watched enough Trading Spaces to re-decorate the world.

Off to re-paint my bathroom with stencils. Yippee!