Monday, November 13, 2006
I found myself looking at online baby bedding today. Why? I don't know. I just WAS.
And in those moments, those brief moments where I selected a really nice mod pattern for my crib bedding...it hit me.
A. I don't have a child.
B. I don't want a child.
C. I don't like other people's children.
So why was I picking out baby bedding? The novelty? The really neat fabric? My inner seamstress?
No...I think it was this mental thought:
"Everyone should have a baby."
GASP...GAG! What happened to my inner Feminist? It appears she was hog-tied S&M style by my inner Soccer Mom. Despite the fact that I myself don't want a child, why on earth would I ever think that everyone else should? Eggads, people - we're so overcrowded that my inner Socialist tells me we should be rationing babies like the Chinese. 2 per couple, for a lifetime. If you re-marry - too bad. If you screw up and have a baby with some guy you met on prom night, too bad. You lost your option.
But my bigger concern is that I was drawn to this baby site. I actually moved my mouse and clicked on the link, and perused the crib options. It's bizarro world. It's superman stabbing himself with kryptonite. It's serious Jerry Seinfeld. It's someone not 'getting' The Office because there's no laugh track.
You get my point - it's something that should not happen! Me, baby. Not happening.
So I freaked out.
Is it something to do with being in my 30s? Is this that cliche baby moment that all women have? Plaster a ticking clock on my forehead - it's here! Or is it more that I feel I should be married now...that I should be considering this option with a nice middle-aged, boring, pedantic man? Or an abusive adulterous man-whore. I should be having a vasectomy conversation with one of these men? Or I should be hearing that 'when are you going to have a baby' question from mothers, only to reply 'Mr. Pedantic and I have decided to not have children.' Is it the need for a backup? That I need said significant other to pat me on the back and say 'yep, no kids - good decision honey' to validate? Then why the perusal of baby stuff? Just to consider the options?
And then it hit me. I knew what it was.
It was preparation.
It was the inner real me saying to myself...'well, if you end up changing your mind, or get knocked up, then you need options for your baby bedding'.
And the inner me is right. I should be prepared for life to change. It's the reason I think about where I might want to move when I'm 40. It's the reason I remember where the good senior discounts are. It's the reason I save architectural designs for homes I'd like to build for myself. It's the reason I have a file on a wedding to someone I haven't met yet. And it's the reason I have clippings from hotels in Sri Lanka should I ever need to hide from the CIA.
I do feel a tad better knowing that should I ever need it, I've already picked out a nice 1950's modern pattern crib set.
Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.