Wednesday, June 06, 2007


George Clooney needs to leave me alone.


I can only say 'I'm not interested' SO many times before I have to get a restraining order.

I went out with my friend B last night to Hollywood to see a movie. As we approached Hollywood Blvd, suddenly we were accosted by bright lights and the streets were blocked, traffic insane. Possibly construction, I thought. But I knew of a secret little parking spot behind the theater that I only shared with my closest of friends. So pulling in, I was SHOCKED to see a gigantic tent over the entire parking lot blasting Sinatra, with palm trees.

I began to smell something was up, so we parked far away, walked to the theater, where I was confronted with the realization that something was amiss.

Paparazzi were EVERYWHERE. Red carpet, movie lights hanging from the sky brighter than the sun.

This type of hype can only be attributed to the presence of Brad Pitt. Or George Clooney. Holy Sweet Jesus it was Brad Pitt AND George Clooney! It was the premiere of Ocean's 13.

I knew Clooney was behind this. I KNEW IT! I elbowed my way thorough the throngs of photographers, gawking bystanders, and gaggles of screaming girls. I crossed in front of supermodels in evening wear grubmling at the flashing lights and cameras. I literally had to cross the red carpet the wrong way to GET to the theater. I could almost sense Clooney smirking from the shadows.

Only Clooney knew my favorite parking spot. Only Clooney would have dared set up something THIS elaborate and THIS dramatic to ruin my evening. I rebuffed him, and this is how he repays me. That evil grey-haired bastard orchestrated this whole thing!

I stomped across the red carpet screaming 'LEAVE ME ALONE GEORGE CLOONEY - I HATE YOU...YOU...STALKER!'.

I just hope he heard me over the Sinatra and screaming girls.


Hyperion said...

I think you should start an entire site called ""

In this site you'd document the living hell GC is making your life.

I'll tell you something else: I think that codpiece in B&R was stuffed.

erat said...

A lover scorned... Whoodathunkit, Nephew of Rosemary can't move past his broken heart.

That just shows how small celebrity worlds get. He's willing to spend his millions to steal a parking spot just because he couldn't close the deal one night a long time ago.

(You really should consider writing for McSweeneys. Yer funny!)

George Clooney said...

KITTEN! Was that you?
Sorry but Brad insisted our fame beat out your parking space privleges on this one. Cheers...

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Hypey - I know for a fact it wasn't. wink wink.

erat - Don't get me started about Matt Damon. He just keeps calling, and calling, and calling...

George - Sure, blame it on Brad. We all know the real brains behind you both is....Angelina.