Friday, March 27, 2009

I'm back!

So, I haven’t blogged in a while. Yes, I know what you’re thinking.

You: “I have been on the verge of slitting my wrists and you just keep mocking me with blank pages!”
Me: Wow, I didn’t know it affected you that…
You: “Yeah, well it does! And you keep on doing it! That’s it, we’re breaking up!”
Me: I don’t think we were dat…
You: “Don’t try to talk me out of it – we’re through! I SAID THROUGH!”
Me: um…ok.

You: "...and I want my Joni Mitchell records back."
Me: I don’t have any…

Ok, not that you’d say 'shut your pie hole'. Only bad villains in bad 80’s movies say that. And you do sometimes. Admit it.

That being said, I thought I’d jot some thoughts down today on life, the universe and things. Just to keep you from your suicidal thoughts.

1. Thongs are stupid. Just like any other item designed to LOOK good, but not be useful, they really miss the point of underwear. Which I think is to guard your sensitive privates from scratchy jeans and sand and crap. Yes, I said sand.

2. When did we become so fearful of what people think? In times where jobs are tough, why can you just walk up to a person who you want to work with and say ‘hey- I’m a hard worker, and I like your style and I’d like you to pay me a small salary to assist you in any way I can.” Regardless if this is say… Steven Spielberg…we should be able to say that and not feel moronic. I guess it’s like the high school nerd who asks out the prom queen. There’s that latent fear of complete cafeteria ridicule and food throwing the next day if you get turned down. It’s not like Steven is going to throw his mystery meat at you. We should be able to just ask!

3. I love email. Love it. I prefer it above all other modes of communication. I can be on the webcam and the phone with my boyfriend at the same time, and then send him an email as well. I love it that much.

4. I hate texts. Hate them. I hate people who send me texts. They need to die.

5. I’m still confused about Facebook. Admit it – you are too. We’re on there, just milling around like some big sausage fest, and we don’t get it. Oh, we SAY we do…but we don’t.

6. I miss old school communication with perfume. Like poems, and letters, and calling cards. I wish I could pick up a calling card that smells like roses and know my secret lover was here to see me.

7. Sylvia Plath’s son committed suicide and there’s a ton of news about it. I want to feel sympathetic, but really, I feel like digging up his grave and shouting at his corpse. “You should have known better! – you knew first hand all about it and how it can affect people and you still did it!” Then maybe I’d stab him – to teach him a lesson.

8. I don’t understand the pirate pants look. You know, the knee high boots, and the high-water short gaucho pants. It’s a trend at my work – I just think of them as the ‘pirate wenches’ but really, the bottom line is it’s SUPER UNFLATTERING. It makes you look SUPER FAT girls. Stop it.

9. After years of drinking Arnold Palmers, I have decided that I actually do not like them. I just thought they were a cool idea. Good on paper, bad in the mouth.

10. Lastly, I am wondering how I can become a florist. Can I intern? Can I just create an album and send it around to places and see if they’ll hire me? I’m serious people. Help me out.

SO, there you have it…a list of fun things to ponder and pontificate on. Much like wondering if Bert and Ernie are gay…my thoughts are simultaneously useless and non-consequential.

And I want to reiterate that I do not have any Joni Mitchell records…



Cheryl said...

Ooh, if only I'd read this before texting you the other day....

Interestingly, the wrong number I initially accidentally texted has continued to text me back. First "Fuck you," then a long rant that involved the phrase, "I only love her stup be ch." Fascinating!

Anonymous said...

Hey...nice blog. I actually did miss it (and I don't have Joni Mitchell records either)