Friday, September 01, 2006

My Two Party Non-Denominational A-sexual Possible Psychic Hypnotist Supposed Stylist...Maybe.


I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about a random hairstylist I had, and our interesting session together. The blog world is tight, but imagine my surprise when said hairstylist e-mailed me today telling me that he read my blog after another haircut client sent it to him. Said client was upset that I thought he was straight (he is not) and that he was a Republican (he has not denied this, but wrote a lengthy diatribe about how the two party system is bunk.) He at length described how long he's been gay, the last time he slept with a woman, and more details on his dual a party voting tendencies.

He also thoughtfully provided a complete copy of my blog entry, EDITED...with "corrections and suggestions".

Picture me sitting at my monitor, agog.

Now, far be it from me to assume this meant that he intended me to correct a personal blog entry. Far be it from me to assume that he wished the item to remain on my site edited because he said...and I quote..."I feel famous" with a nice smiley face. Far be it for me to assume he thinks that after our 45 minutes of human existence together, that I should know him extremely well, and get his 2-party political leanings and sexual college fraternity reminiscing correct. Clearly I wasn't paying enough attention to the minutiae of the guy that cut my hair once. Shame on me. I wasn't trying to ridicule Mr. Stylist then. NOW I am.

So, I'm taking this blog entry to make an announcement that apparently isn't clear:

This isn't the Washington Post.

And here's another disclaimer: This is a personal attempt at a humourous story-telling blog. All items are changed to be funnier and far more interesting than my actual life, and if you haven't realized that, then I feel sorry for you. I feel like James Frey!

I'm sure Neilochka doesn't have this problem with his talking penis blogs. His penis doesn't write back suggesting dialogue changes. Or maybe it does....Neil?

Now, I do feel that if someone is upset, then I am more than happy to delete the post in question. He was upset, or at least a client was. Apparently the rest of my commentary on his nice hands, cute hair and great haircutting skills has utterly DESTROYED his professional career by not outing him and his political beliefs. So said post is deleted.

I'd prefer people to read about themselves and think 'hey - cool' rather than spend an unprecedented amount of time cutting blogs when they should be out cutting hair. Hell, I don't even edit my blogs that much. And keep in mind that all my posts include no last names, and it's pretty odd that a female reader of mine happened to know this one random person in all of Los Angeles, AND got UPSET enough about my misinterpretation that he's a straight right-leaning gentleman to CALL him and discuss. What a freak! Whoever this girl is - here's an open suggestion that you stop reading my blog. As Steve Martin says to the audience in his stand up routine 'I don't NEED you. I can do this routine alone. I often do."

To everyone else I write about that I know personally - I love you. I write about you because I find you interesting. Please feel free to say 'hey - that's not what happened' in a funny way in the comments. But let me point this out : OF COURSE THATS NOT WHAT HAPPENED. DUH. Life is boring. Rarely do people say brilliant and hysterical things all day long. Rarely do things tie up with theme and a story arc in my daily life. But If I say Joe who I don't know other than that he cut my hair once is a straight Republican and he's a gay Democrat, for the love of Richard Dean Anderson don't get pissed about it. Just comment, send me a photo of Bush on a skewer and cock, or suck it up and realize it's all my interpretation of you. But for god's sake, don't edit me. I will not be edited.

Other bloggers - help me out on this! Have you ever been edited? What do you do? Do you research facts and resumes of your subjects and always have dual sources before you 'publish'?

I think from now on I'll refer to people only by code names, so if they get back to me, I can say, "It's not you...It's some other two party non-denominational gay psychic hypnotist stylist in West Hollywood." Clearly, I'm going to have to find another place to get haircuts, or start taping all my daily activities with hidden microphones.

As I looked at this e-mail from my hairstylist with corrections and deletions highlighted in RED font, I realized...sigh...the old adage is true:
Everyone's a critic.

8 comments:

Cheryl said...

Nice post. You clearly have an understanding of human subjectivity and and the inherent limitations of the narrative form. And you're funny.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Kiss up. You just don't want me to write a story about how you're a Democratic Lesbian. Oh...wait....

The Mother said...

Code names?
Cool....can I be "Xena"?

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Sure, mom. You can be Xena. The lesbian warrior princess. Sheesh - my family everyone! Goodnight! Enjoy the veal!

Tracy Lynn said...

OOHH write about me! I want my code name to be Tallulah.


And somebody has WAY too much time on their hands. Are you sure he isn't a Republican? I thought they were the big on censorship party.

Nobody gets to edit me, even though they might try, but I have mad I'm-not-paying-attention skillz. And I'm not afraid to use them.

The mother said...

Xena was a princess? Hmmm....
Well, OK then...
Tracy already took 'Tallulah' so
I'll be 'Yuliya' or 'Ivana'...
no,no, wait...
I'll be
'S-H-A-N-I-Q-U-A' !!
...
"I, Shaniqua, disavow all knowledge of my daughter Schrodinger"......
....
yep, works for me....

erat said...

You're a professional writer in Hollywood. I'm a dolt in Utah.

I personally invite you to edit the living crap out of anything I write whenever you want to. It can only help. Just don't charge me for it, 'kay? I still have two semesters of college left before I can earn real money.

(And I agree with everything you said.)

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Mom - Shaniqua it is.

Erat - I'm honored that my dolt pal in Utah agrees with me - seriously!