Fudgy

I tried a new ice cream today, Hagen-Daz Vanilla Fudge. Why, you ask? Because it looked good, because a reputable ice-cream chef told me to try it? No... because Zach Braff said he liked it.

Why you may ask, did I listen to some random actor? IS he some expert on Hagen-daz? Is he an ice cream guru of the acting world? No, but he has an honest face, and no actor has steered me wrong when it's come to ice cream. No actor has ever steered me anywhere, but that's besides the point. He said in an article that his favorite ice cream was Vanilla Fudge. I've never tried it, and he seems like a happy kid, so why not, right?

In all honesty, it was more of a SAT response to him. Zach Braff is to cool, as vanilla fudge is to good ice cream. Ring a bell, and I buy ice cream.

In my deep sad psyche, deep down there, I think..."if I like it too, then we could meet at a trendy Hollywood party, and I could say 'Hey- Vanilla Fudge, right?' and he'd say 'Sweet dude!' and we'd become bestest friends forever and ever." Hey, it could happen.

But standing at the frosty freezer section, I was faced with the choice of Zach Braff's Vanilla Fudge, and the old standby, Creme Brulee. As the wispy fog poured from the door, two figures appeared. A little Zach Braff in white with wings on one shoulder, and a little Dr. Cox, red with horns on the other.

Zach Braff: Get the Vanilla Fudge, so we can hang out and be super cute ice cream buddies together!

Dr. Cox: He's an ACTOR for god's sake.

Zach Braff: You're an actor too!

Dr. Cox: Don't listen to Britney here...go with the Creme Brulee and get out of here.

Zach Braff: But if you don't try it, then how can we meet at the party, and how can we become bestest buds?

Sigh. He was right.

So, I brushed off the Scrubs Angel and Devil and got the Vanilla Fudge.

And the moral of this story is that I now hate Zach Braff because it sucked. Vanilla Fudge has got to be the WORST ice cream I've ever had.

Not that it's ALL Zach Braff's fault. The Hagen-daz peeps make a big deal about their labels accurately reflecting the product, I know know this because it was on a special about the making of ice cream. The things you learn from the Food Channel, right?

So imagine my confusion when the label had not only an orchid flower but also square chunks of CHOCOLATE fudge. Is it going to taste like vanilla flavored fudge? Probably not, since the fudge was chocolate - but the name misleads, and the presence of fudge cubes is totally irrelevant anyway. It's vanilla ice cream with chocolate ripple. No FUDGE by any traditional definition of the word. And it's even without vanilla beans. It was sucky vanilla ice cream. I mean, the gall of Zach Braff.

Now when we meet at the trendy Hollywood party, I'm going to have to grab his lapels and scream 'Vanilla Fudge sucks!' And he will have me forcibly removed, and call me a stalker.

Whatever. Stupid actor. He started it.