Thursday, June 08, 2006

Beach Blanket Bikini Babylon Blech

Never in my life, have I identified with Cathy - the comic book heroine that is all things men hate about women, and epitomizes the weight-obsessed, shopping-obsessed, needy-obsessed woman. Until today. The all-inclusive horror-fest that is 'buying a bikini.'

I got invited to 'go to the beach' with a bunch of women on Sunday, and although I've been to the beach a thousand times...'going to the beach' is different. I assume there will be beach-towels (don't have), tanning lotion (I am white, and will always be white), Cosmopolitan magazines (who can read about sex when it's hot?), and bikinis (yikes!). Maybe some water toe-touching, but I doubt it.

I was born and raised on the beach. I grew up with sand on the front doorstep, and sea-water in my veins. I can body surf, sail, and can fight an undertow. I normally splash around, swim, and usually do so in a skirt and t-shirt or actual clothes, before putting on a sweater and going for dinner wet. This is why beach bars were invented. Wet clothes and wine mix very well.

However, I don't have a swimsuit. I'm more than happy to pass my submerged ocean time in a tank-top and shorts, or if desperate, a male friend-loaned wife-beater and swim trunks. I also don't see any reason why my underwear should not work. It's supportive, eye catching, and matches. It also took years of shopping to locate the elusive bra and underwear set that is comfortable, flattering, and male-pleasing, not an easy feat, mind you. It also has really cute pink bows on it. I don't mind sharing that spectacular underwear with the world, or the Pacific Ocean, or chlorinated pools in Tarzana.

But shopping for a swimsuit in one day, is something that turns me into that insane woman Cathy, who can never find anything, and never looks good when she draws back the comic strip dressing-room curtain. Plus, you know how the comic price tag always shows 3 dollar signs with an exclamation point? $$$! is not something I will pay for a bikini. A Chanel bikini, yes...but that's for my trophy wife days to come.

And who are these twiggy-esque girls who have no chest, and no hips? In my day those were called 'boys'. Look at me, saying 'In my day'..I am officially old. Finding something that didn't push my self-declared perfect chest out beyond my center of gravity or smushed back into my lung cavity...and that wouldn't fall off at the slightest play-slap of a wave...was impossible. Spritzing these suits with a orchid-mister would make the strings untie, and as much as I relish the opportunity to be naked in front of a hundred people...I don't.

So...the women of Malibu will have to be accepting of my surfer tank and skirt, flip-flop pukka shell beach blond outfit. It's the official beach outfit, and I can attest, having been born on a beach. These bikini-wearing fools are clearly tourists. Think of me as the blond Annette Funicello of California. Although, she wore a bikini...but she was born in Utica - New York, so that's her excuse. I'm looking forward to hanging with Frankie Avalon. He's dreamy.

I still had to buy a beach towel. But that's another story, for another day.


Tracy Lynn said...

Go Gidget! I'm right there with you on this one. I usually partake of water activities in my underwear as well, since the suit hasn't been made that can contain my capacious bosom while wet.
Bastard swimsuit manufactureres.

Cheryl said...

Wifebeater and swim trunks? Are you SURE you're not a lesbian? (And I mean that as a compliment, obviously, 'cuz I'd go for a chick in trunks over one in a teen-weeny-non-supportive bikini any day.)

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

I am so with you on this! I had to shop for new swim suits this year, and it was torture! Good luck and enjoy the beach! :D

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Tracy - capacious - My little baby is all grown up!

Cheryl - that outfit is strictly for the male readers...they must think lesbian too, hence the implied hotness of the outfit. Especially if it's THEIR wifebeater and shorts. Then it's an imagined three-some.

LJS - Thanks! I think we need to start a swimsuit therapy group.

Hyperion said...

So much to respond to in ths excellent excellent post (and this better be in the next Carnival!)

1) I cannot understand how so many women like Cathy. Yeah, she talks about "their" issues, but so what? So does Andrew Dice Clay, and I don't see women lining up for him. Somehow women identify with Cathy's attitudes toward the issues, and that's scary.

2) Your underwear SHOULD work, but I remain unconvinced. I'll need you to send me a picture of you near water in your underwear, and then I will agree with you for sure.

3) Fight the fashion magazines! Those "Twiggy-esque" girls are not evil, but they A) do not reflect what real women look like and B) are certainly not what any man I know is looking for. (However, I do like the idea of a swimsuit that would come off with the light touch of mist. Reminds me of that time Jessica Wakefield was in Bruce Patton's pool and her bikini top came off,in Sweet Valley High #4, and now I've probably said too much...)

4) Annette Funicello is a great case in point. No way does she have the impact she had if several of the letters on her Mouseketeer sweater weren't a lot closer to the camera than others, if you know what I mean.

Mama Duck said...

LOL I have been searching for a tank top and boy shorts to replace my old suit all season now. With a baby, even if you have the figure for it, you sure don't want something that will come off easily LOL.

I'm here from the carnival, thanks for the smile!