Wednesday, June 21, 2006

What my taxes pay for.

This morning I drove to another town for an appointment with the government for my continued unemployment. I thought it was an actual appointment, but I should clarify what exactly happened.

8:45, I arrive for said appointment, and see the first person there. He's an old man. Like 80. He asks for my passport, he jots the number into a computer, looks at me, and he says 'That's it, you're done'. I sort of look askew, thinking he means I'm checked in for my appointment, but he says "No, that's all we needed, just proof of your identity - that's what the appointment was for."

I exit at 8:46.

I am not W. Mark Felt, I swear! How dare Bob Woodward imply such a thing.

I thought the US Government could locate people with a satellite and vaporize them from space. Really. I saw it in Real Genius, and if it was imagined in the 80's, it's got to be real by now. And can't the CIA clone people from their DNA acquired by used kleenex, and then replace us with our clone? What about voice identification, or internet protocols, or just pulling my FBI file. Whoops. I shouldn't have admitted I have an FBI file.

What about my coffee I drank at starbucks yesterday? Didn't they pull my prints off the cup, and then also swab my saliva off the rim for analysis? What about a retinal scan while I'm at the grocery store? I swear that bagger looked at me just a tad too long. Hair in my garbage? How about fingernail clippings? You could also interview all my friends, to confirm I'm me, or just give me a call and say 'is this you? Do you live here?'...and we'd be done.

Seriously. They require that I drive myself to another town, and provide photo identification? 2 types of photo ID? (good thing I had a passport otherwise we'd have a problem.) With an appointment to do so? Am I that sketchy that they need to prove I'm me, like I said I did? Don't I pay taxes from this address? Don't you have my complete life on a file somewhere that you can just compare my license to that satellite photo you took when I went out in my pink robe to get my newspaper on sunday?

And since I'm being logical, isn't my passport a government-issued document? Can't they just pull the info? Why does my physical presence at this office at 8:45 make any difference whatsoever? Couldn't I just GIVE them my passport number online or over the phone? Why do I need to hand it in person to someone?

Can you tell I'm belligerent? Mainly because this involved me getting up early, and spending about 5$ on gas. 5$ that unemployment wont reimburse me for. Although, I could really put in a claim, and get them all riled up about it, and get my $5 back. But I'm too lazy for that. The value of my 3 hours missed sleep is more important.

Oooh..maybe they took my prints off the passport. That might be it. And he did look at me long enough to get a retinal scan with his glasses. In that case, I'll forgive them. Thank god I got those fake latex prints and retinal contact lenses from the CIA just in case. Otherwise, they might have discovered I am G. Gordon Liddy, and then there's no way I'd have gotten my $5. Whew!


Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, you realize that all this is going on your PERMANENT RECORD, right?

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Oh yeah?

Tracy Lynn said...

HEHEHEHEHEHEH. You're cute when you're belligerent.

Cheryl said...

I think the government's annoying yet brilliant plan is to make you jump through so many hoops that you can't wait to get back to work, and take the first crappy job that's offered. Maybe the DMV is hiring.

Anonymous said...

Group W bench here you come.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

cheryl - Actually, they had signs up that UPS is hiring box loaders. I think I'm qualified for that.

anon - Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints off to Washington.