Tuesday, May 02, 2006


I don't think bed-head hair is all it's cracked up to be.

I bought some spray hair wax that promises I'll have that 'sexy, just got out of bed look'. And what I actually have is that 'stayed up all night partying and smoking got sticky stuff in my hair and didn't take a shower before stumbling into work look'. And it's kind of gross to touch. Is that sexy? Because I can't tell.

But it is truth in advertising, because that is how I normally look when I get out of bed. Maybe it's sexy to someone, but it scares my cats. Why am I paying for something I can get by just not washing my hair?

And since I'm on a hair-product roll (see previous post on the analogy of friendship and conditioner) I have to argue that words like 'sexy' shouldn't be on grooming products. Aren't there small teenage girls who use this stuff? Do I want my 12 year old daughter trying to look 'sexy' before she huffs off to 6th grade? If Harry Potter finds her sexy, then we're going to have a problem. He's mine.

Unfortunately, I have a bit of a hair-product addiction. I try a new conditioner every week, and am constantly buying anything new I see in Lucky, Glamour, Cosmo, or any such useless magazine, thinking "If I just try this shampoo, my hair will make me look like Kate Moss" And I usually am impressed for a day or so, and am under some delusion that I look better, or hotter, or more 'stylish'. But the irony is...my hair is my hair, and as long as I put something in it...I look the same. If I leave it alone, I have this blond Rosanne Rosannadanna look. Or Einstein, depending on if I'm feeling the 'crazy mad-physicist hair' vibe. It tends to make men fear you're a stalker, so I dropped that hair-care option.

I personally like men's hair, because even if there is crap in it, you can run your fingers through and it usually feels soft and clean. However, women are so hair-sprayed that oftentimes we have to worry about being too close to cigarettes or toasters for fear of our industrial-grade furniture shellac going up in flame.

And you know what the style is now? Straight and clean. Ironically you can't get that look if you wash your hair. It's only after pounds of lotions, gels, straightners, 3 days not washing it and horse hair conditioner that you can get that 'natural clean' look. And then you have to spray it down so that when you move your head, it moves with you like a metal gladiator helmet.

I think I'm going to start wearing head scarves. The kind where you also wear big oval sunglasses and look like Audrey Hepburn. Audrey Hepburn if she was up late smoking, partying, got sticky stuff in her hair and didn't take a shower before stumbling into work. Yeah...that's the look. Sexy.


Anonymous said...

You're pretty darn funny. Thanks for the smile. (BTW, in our house we call it "Kramer Hair")

Tracy Lynn said...

Sorry, Schro, I actually have really good hair.
Still addicted to hair products, though.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

I don't care what Pantene says, I hate you 'cuz you're beautiful.

Dragon said...

Amen sister!

Hyperion said...

Much like Julie Andrews, Audrey Hepburn was never "sexy." Pretty, yes, but like a china doll. There was no sexual vibe to her. I don't care if she puts so much product in her hair that it looks like a bukkake film got out of hand, that girl ain't sexy.

Oh, and disregard Dragon's Amen. I happen to know she has fantastic hair, and is merely toying with you all. Her hair is so great that strange men -- the tall dark and criminal kind -- are often compelled to run up to her and run their fingers through her hair, usually right before they propose marriage.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

I agree she's not sexy, but she's sophisticated. In that china doll way.

Dragon - what's your secret????

Dragon said...

Lather, Rinse and Repeat. Always repeat.

Hype, it takes me hours in the morning to look half way decent. :)

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

Repeat! Ah...the simplistic genius of it all. Dragon, I hate you 'cuz you're beautiful too.